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Laura Dishington (Thursday, 26 July 2012)
Very sweet and easy to read. Maybe too many locations to be selected? Please read mine.
Peter Devonald (Monday, 30 July 2012 13:16)
Really neat - I like it a lot.
Reading through my main problem was the transition between the two cupids seeing each other and the flash forwards --- there needs to be some marker that this is a flash forward: even just a flash of
light and the scenes shown in sepia or something? Perhaps this is a directors choice - but just feels like there's something missing.
Maybe the problem is that the man cupid isn't really set up - perhaps we don't know enough about him? Is there something more that can be shown quickly and visually to make us empathise with his
character in his flat? Also might give you a stronger opening image that sets the tone.
I also think you can make slightly more of the two guys making fun of him - can we see how this hurts cupid? I.e. keeps head down, avoids eye contact, walks faster to try to avoid problems? Also says
more about him.
Just thinking of ways to make the most of every moment. Equally the other two encounters (restaurant and two people on street) - can these moments mean a little more? Just a line or two of more
detail will give the piece greater impact.
But I like it! Very good work indeed.
Craig P (Friday, 03 August 2012 13:17)
Peter - thank you for the notes, it's really nice to get a little bit of feedback.
I did feel like the flash forward was for the director to decide (as well as whether it was indeed a flash forward or a dream sequence).
If I give it a re-write I'll definitely build the character a little more at the beginning. In the writing technique I wanted to leave it quite sparse, but next time I'll defintiely introduce the
character a little more.
Again I wanted to keep the writing minimalistic, and let the director think about the meetings on the street, but I shall add in more detail on my next script.
Thanks for the feedback!