Breakfast by Barbara Skubic

Everything will get lost in haze, but not the touch of your skin on his face.
BREAKFAST SKUBIC second draft for near k
Adobe Acrobat Document 64.3 KB

Write a comment

Comments: 4
  • #1

    Elaine (Friday, 27 July 2012 21:27)

    lovely story, well written and very touching.

  • #2

    Milethia (Friday, 27 July 2012 21:31)

    Barbara. I don't know how many entries there will have been with an older couple at the centre, and particularly a script in which one cares for another. I enjoyed this for this reason.

    I found the piece poignant. Seeing Peggy doing everything for her husband - it is effect how you have this set-up so that we don't see him straightaway; the way in which she talks to him, defending her children; how all that she does is obviously a struggle.

    Then we see Henry, and realise just what it is she has to do.

    The kiss at the end, on her wrist, is lovely; really gives the feeling that he has had a moment of recognition.

    When you say 'Peggy smiles' after he does this, perhaps you could give a little more. I imagine this is something he used to do, but obviously doesn't do anymore, so Peggy might.. I don't know...gasp...cover her mouth with her hand...touch his face... etc.

    Well done.

  • #3

    Milethia (Friday, 27 July 2012 21:32)

    That should read... 'It is effective...'

  • #4

    barbara (Saturday, 28 July 2012 09:57)

    thank you for reading and liking, elaine and milethia!

    milethia, i see what you mean about the end: she should really have more of a reaction to the kiss. reading it now, i think it might be a good idea to move her last sentence forward and have a silent ending, as henry obviously only reacts to peggy's touch, and no longer to her voice or anything else. i think you're right and her reaction should then also be physical; caressing his face would make the most sense, no?

    thanks again, and send me links to your pieces.