This One by David Sartof

A way-ward son’s actions prove troublesome to the family’s plans for a Valentine’s Night celebration at the restaurant he runs; he is being watched.
Adobe Acrobat Document 49.4 KB

Write a comment

Comments: 10
  • #1

    Liz (Sunday, 22 July 2012 19:30)

    Really caught my attention in the beginning, however it didn't quite make sense to me in the end. If the restaurant was full of people why was he using a key to get in? It just threw me off because it's hard to understand its the same place that way. I didnt understand the ending, but I think you were trying to get us to think it was going to be worse than it was? I think this story as potential given you had a few more pages to explain more! Better luck next time!

  • #2

    David (Monday, 23 July 2012 10:20)

    Hi Liz, thank you for taking the time to read and comment. When Frank enters the empty, darkened restaurant, it is day time – it is still closed. He uses the key as it is HIS restaurant (or at least he manages it). We then jump in time to the evening/night, when the restaurant is open and in full flow.

    The story is a play on the “Judas Kiss”, where the couple in the window don’t know who is to receive the “birthday kiss”, it is only when Frank kisses his mother that the man knows he is to step forward. That is why he has a female partner. If Frank had pointed out his father or brother, the girl could have stepped forward.

  • #3

    Nigel Sheppard (Monday, 23 July 2012 12:24)

    Tremendously well written, although I did have to stop half way through and go back to the beginning as I thought I'd missed something. Certainly the opening catches your attention.

  • #4

    David (Monday, 23 July 2012 19:33)

    Thank you, Nigel, I appreciate your feedback.

  • #5

    Craig (Tuesday, 24 July 2012 00:44)

    Got a bit lost, but got the ending. By making things look differant to how they are is good but what does happen has to be better than what we think is happening. I felt this didn't.

  • #6

    David (Tuesday, 24 July 2012 11:41)

    Hi, Craig. Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it. I would be interested to hear at point point you felt a bit lost.

  • #7

    Craig (Tuesday, 24 July 2012 17:19)

    How is the 3rd passenger? How could have Frank ruined it? Who is in the car with the cigarette, is it just a red herring? lots of loose ends. Hope this helps.

  • #8

    David (Tuesday, 24 July 2012 20:55)

    Thanks, Craig. I do see what you mean. The red herrings (3rd passenger, the surveillance operation - twitching curtains and man in a car) are somewhat intentional in the 2-page framework, but could easily be re-integrated into the larger picture. There is a reason for each. Frank's detention by the police was unplanned and could have ruined the party at least. ...Or might he have sold out on a member of the criminal family they are? :)

  • #9

    Craig (Tuesday, 24 July 2012 21:32)

    I don't think you can have red herring, not as many as you have, and not play them out. I get what you were trying to do but as I said before the ending is less the then what we think. Maybe the police surveillance could burst in because they get the wrong end of the stick as well?

  • #10

    David (Tuesday, 24 July 2012 22:04)

    Now that would make it interesting, Craig! I'm thinking of taking this into a short story to develop it a little more.