The Nocturnal Visitors by Claire Mockett

Milly and Takk have the ability to call spirits, saved by Alan, who tragically died helping them escape the clutches of amateur scientists, they visit his wife a year later, to bring him back for a vi
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Comments: 12
  • #1

    Steven JC Johnson (Friday, 20 July 2012 18:56)

    Enjoyed this supernatural/sci-fi tale.

  • #2

    Pete (Saturday, 21 July 2012 00:06)

    Nice story made confusing by some shaky grammar. No need to put a characters name in caps each time, only when they first appear. For ease's sake I would also suggest putting the description and age of new characters in brackets. For example 'TAKK (Milly's dog)' instead of 'TAKK, MILLYS DOG'. At first I thought that was listing two new people. Make sure you proof-read, or get someone with fresh eyes to proof-read next time. The story has a lot of potential. :)

  • #3

    Claire Mockett (Saturday, 21 July 2012 00:36)

    Thanks for reading and feedback. I agree to the gramma and the need for use of brackets. I think I have a good idea for a screenplay, just didn't quite get it right for two pages or give the story justice. I felt the dialogue could have been a whole lot better too. But really happy I have the chance to get this kind of feedback.

  • #4

    Craig (Saturday, 21 July 2012 23:07)

    Felt you had the story already and put the kiss at the end so it could be entered into the competition. Would have to be better writen.

  • #5

    Claire Mockett (Sunday, 22 July 2012 00:13)

    The kiss was written in, from the start and wanted to end on it while she was sleeping, but i agree it could have been written a lot better. I am writing a screenplay based around the origin story of how this all happened and how she became a spirit caller.

  • #6

    Steve (Sunday, 22 July 2012 15:37)

    I felt like the flashback should have opened the script. Maybe with Alan getting shot and us not knowing whether he does or not.

  • #7

    Craig (Sunday, 22 July 2012 18:41)

    But in this short we don't know she's a spirit caller. If Alan gets shot in your screenplay he doesn't have to in this. This should be a stand alone story.

  • #8

    Claire Mockett (Sunday, 22 July 2012 19:56)

    Yeah, that's a really good idea Steve.
    I agree that this should be stand alone, its too much for 2 pages, and tried to do too much .. but i gave it a go and learnt a lot from it, i am about 30 pages into the screenplay of this story now.

  • #9

    Nigel Sheppard (Tuesday, 24 July 2012 23:15)

    Keep working on it Claire, the story has potential. Nice idea.

  • #10

    Claire Mockett (Tuesday, 24 July 2012 23:30)

    Thanks Nigel :)

  • #11

    Craig Beachell (Sunday, 29 July 2012 10:31)

    Claire I liked your script and the potential to turn it into a series. I would have had Takk bite the arm of the shooter to enable Milly to escape to the car and drive off. Now you don't have the 2 page rule you can expand further.

  • #12

    Claire mockett (Sunday, 29 July 2012 22:17)

    A series would be cool, The story can develop and yeah Takk could have been more active. I was looking a big picture and found it hard to write for a two pages.