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Stephen (Friday, 20 July 2012 19:44)
An interesting twist that I loved. The viewer will never guess what's going to happen.
Chris (Saturday, 21 July 2012 14:33)
Didn't seem to be any real need to withhold so much information so mysteriously. I wouldn't call the end a "twist" as I didn't have any expectations or assumptions.
Otherwise, competently written, just lacking the opportunity for the audience to invest emotionally in the characters.
Also, the hero achieved his goal far too easily. "Nothing should be easy for your hero."
Java (Saturday, 21 July 2012 22:08)
Thank you Stephen and Chris for taking the time to read the script.
Chris, do you have any constructive notes? They would be much appreciated?
Chris (Sunday, 22 July 2012 08:29)
There are some nice touches; the mayonnaise, the napkins.
The key problem seems to be that the goal isn't seen until the end. I would suggest planting the seed of the proposal near the beginning of the story. Not necessarily saying outright that the Host is
planning to propose, but maybe to suggest somehow, so that the audience has a chance to figure it out by themselves.
Great that you're writing and great that you're looking for feedback. :)
Craig (Monday, 23 July 2012 00:24)
Big build up to be let down by a standered ending, as it for a competition about love and kisses. But very differant look any other script, in a good way.
Nigel Sheppard (Wednesday, 25 July 2012 07:37)
Strangely intriguing throughout.
gareth (Sunday, 20 October 2013 18:01)
waiting for the movie.bated breath.dad.