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Jaye (Saturday, 21 July 2012 18:12)
That was an unusual script. Quite sad really. Loved it. Shame it didn't make the cut.
Sam (Sunday, 22 July 2012 06:57)
I really thought this script was quite creative. We really get invested in Sarah and what she's waiting for- but then it seems we cant connect to her husband. I cant get a grip on who he is and I
feel that his dialogue just doesnt match his character. I would suggest trying to find a more clear voice for each individual character as they seemed to mesh together. Other than that, you did a
superb job! Better luck next time
Mitch (Sunday, 22 July 2012 10:07)
Surprised this one didn't last a round longer. Maybe there were a lot of scripts with a Death Row theme.
Although just to be pedantic (and I gave up on a script because - noticed or not - it was horticulturally unsound for Feb 14th), you can't execute a married man on Valentine's Day. Not in America
anyway which, to the best of my knowledge, is the only place this man can be. It would also be, more or less, a period piece although I don't think that would be held against it.
You also finish with a Fade Out when the piece has just had a dramatic final cut. If anyone films it, I'm pretty sure it won't fade out at the end.
But overall this may well be stronger than some scripts which are still in the running.
Milethia (Sunday, 22 July 2012 11:41)
Positively, I thought this was a very interesting, original approach to the theme given. There was a clear beginning, middle and end – and the end – the screen kiss - was effective and poignant. I’m
not a reader – well, obviously I read, and read screenplays, but mean in the professionally paid sense - and don’t know what all other screenplays submitted were like, but I probably would have put
this through to a second read.
Some formatting issues identified, which I hope might be of use to you. You made me smile when I read your piece, because some of what you’re doing I used to do when writing. That is, capitalising
for effect, but which is, I now know, frowned upon by many people. Capitalisation – capitalising within action - is normally used for sound only, although some people also capitalise the object that
is causing the sound. So I would avoid capitalising in the way you have done – e.g. KNIFE, CLOCK, KISSES. I know why you’ve done it, but it will jar with readers. ‘The bitter scriptreader’ has a blog
spot where s/he goes on about this and other stuff. It took me years to realise that my pointing out what I believed were important aspects of the screenplay – ‘cleverly highlighting’ - were just an
annoyance to a reader.
Also, I think you should name your DEATH ROW PRISONER. He isn’t just anyone, but the man this woman – SARAH - loves. At present he a little impersonal.
Finally, ‘My experience of cameras…’ I’m not sure about this – doesn’t really make it clear to me what he’s done. I went through various thought processes when I read this… CCTV operator, camera man
for seedy films, etc.
Because this is such a short screenplay, I would perhaps suggest that you make your DEATH ROW PRISONER more empathetic to the audience. There isn’t time to show how it’s possible to feel sorry for
someone who has been truly abhorrent in two minutes. We hear so much of death row prisoners being wrongly convicted – wrong place, wrong time, that perhaps you could evidence this in your newspaper
Some lovely dialogue – ‘catch you on the flip side’; ‘here’s one on credit’.
Knife effective… kept me wondering what she was going to do with it.
And don’t forget that you should end with FADE OUT at the end.
I’m sure that someone will be interested in this script. All the best with your writing endeavours.
Nigel Sheppard (Monday, 23 July 2012 11:58)
Great effort, a pleasant surprise. The kind of script where you'd like a few more pages, which I guess is the point.
Craig (Tuesday, 24 July 2012 18:46)
Maybe show what Sarah is doing when he is talking. what is she doing from the moment she sits back on the sofa and jumps up to kiss the screen?