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Paul Holbrook (Friday, 20 July 2012 16:32)
Nice work. I felt for Sophia, which is obviously a good thing.
Martin White (Friday, 20 July 2012 16:51)
Awesome story, really well written and with a really intriguing ending. I actually want to know what actually happens when Sophia goes to answer her door.
Steven JC Johnson (Friday, 20 July 2012 18:47)
Enjoyed reading that. Wanted the next scene, though... :P
Claire Mockett (Friday, 20 July 2012 18:51)
Sometimes its better not to know, as the idea of something is better than the reality. Sophia is so stuck in her world, that she has no compreshension of what could happen, and I wanted the audience
to feel what she feels. I dont know if it came across, but living life in mystery is frustratng.
Claire Mockett (Friday, 20 July 2012 18:55)
Thank so much for reading :D
R (Friday, 20 July 2012 19:22)
I think the story could have popped more if you had written the action scenes in a more active voice. Using "is" and then a doing verb really slows down the read.
sallybrockway (Friday, 20 July 2012 20:12)
Given that we only had two pages to tell the story, every bit of description and dialogue must count and move the plot forwards. I felt the first two scenes could have been compressed into a line or
two - and is there a more imaginative way of throwing us into Sophie's world and showing us how trapped/unloved she is?
Also, in the scene where she first meets Katie, I'd like a bit more sexual tension. Perhaps more awkwardness on Sophia's part. A bit of intrigue - again, I felt Simon's dialogue was a bit pointless.
Unless you want to tease us by suggesting that he might fancy Sophia.
On page 2, I found Sophia and Katie's encounter a little bit cliched. And finally, the fact that the women's eventual union was a dream left me feeling a bit dissatisfied. I do like a neat ending!
Claire Mockett (Friday, 20 July 2012 21:16)
Great points. Simons dialogue was to show Katie is available... the encounter was cliched because Sophie is unable to imagine anything further as she is
Paul Woods (Saturday, 21 July 2012 16:00)
Nice one Claire
Craig (Saturday, 21 July 2012 22:53)
Why does Sophie jump? She doesn't know Katie has her address. I thought Simon was asking Katie out and she said I free?
Claire Mockett (Sunday, 22 July 2012 00:02)
Sophia is off on a day dream and she jumps because she wasn't expecting the door bell to ring.
Simon was asking Katie if she is free to
Finish the work, not asking her out.
Nigel Sheppard (Tuesday, 24 July 2012 23:19)
The first page needs to be cut down lots, as it drags. But the second page is far more intriguing.