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Steven JC Johnson (Friday, 20 July 2012 18:21)
A great read. A few spelling mistakes, but that's not important. I liked the imagery and laughed aloud a couple of times. Liked the kiss, too. Poor Jeff. :)
Jaye (Friday, 20 July 2012 19:05)
That is rather heartbreaking. Makes you wonder how Patricia's and Jeff's lives would have turned out if they had got together.
Your descriptions are excellent.
Java (Friday, 20 July 2012 19:09)
Paul Holbrook (Saturday, 21 July 2012)
Thanks guys. Jaye, that's exactly the question I wanted any potential audience to ask.
Jake (Sunday, 22 July 2012 15:50)
I disagree with Steven: there are too many spelling mistakes and it IS important. It suggests you don't care and didn't bother to read it through.
A few things: how do we know that Jeff's 'contemplating his future' or that his mind drifts to a happier place? That's rather impossible to show. Then at the end if it's difficult to gauge his
thoughts, why put it? Tell us he has a far-off wistful gaze or something.
Otherwise, it's not bad.
Paul Holbrook (Monday, 23 July 2012 14:45)
I can't find too many spelling mistakes? Can you point them out?
David Sartof (Tuesday, 24 July 2012)
Paul, I liked this, but I do agree with Jake in that a number of errors were distracting. However, they were not so much spelling errors (unless Jake is American) but typo/grammer errors.
I'm no expert (or Saint), but the ones I picked up (since you asked) were:
“– [a] plastic” – you consistently misuse the "em dash"; it does not end a sentence, therefore you should not capitalise the start of the next phrase. This consistent error bugged me the most
“[V]alentine’s” should be capitalised, after St Valentine!
“On [t]he” – typo
“her [v]agina” should be capitalised.
“– [a] message” – misuse of dash
“– [h]is” – likewise
“Cadbury[‘]s - appostrophe
“– [s]cribbled” – misuse of dash again
“– [h]e kisses” – likewise
In a short of two minutes, you cannot show smoking cigarette after cigarette… not enough time! So you could lose a few words to use somewhere else. Also, watch the missing comma after “as
“BETTY, as usual(,) sits in her dressing gown smoking […]. The ashtray in front of her brimming with fag butts.”
In what way are you going to “show” this visually?
“…watching his shit life unfold.” I think we have the picture already with your good imagery. Again you could save valuable words for later.
Spelling of "off" and missing comma…
Lay of(f) the Big Macs(,)love.
Dead(,) she is!
No bloody shame(,) some people
Hope this helps. As I said, I did like the story!
Paul Holbrook (Tuesday, 24 July 2012 15:26)
It certainly does. Thanks.
I do sometimes make grammer mistakes, which I need to work on.
Thanks for the lesson, and the good feeback too.
Nigel Sheppard (Tuesday, 24 July 2012 22:59)
It made me laugh. Vicky Pollard comes to mind.
Márcia Mateus (Wednesday, 25 July 2012 01:47)
Very nice twist. Well done! (I have some serious work to do in order to keep up with you guys)