Hitting on Jess by Anton Russell

At a Valentine's party, Ben tries to help James approach his childhood sweetheart.
Hitting On Jess - Near Kisses.pdf
Adobe Acrobat Document 28.3 KB

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Comments: 6
  • #1

    Steven JC Johnson (Friday, 20 July 2012 19:47)

    That was fun to read. :)

  • #2

    Chris (Friday, 20 July 2012 20:00)

    Actually, not too bad. Consistent tone and keeps internal story logic intact. Bit too gross for some, maybe.

    Some of the writing is descriptive where you actually need to say more specifically (visually describing) what's happening. "Cheryl is not subtle about wanting Ben." How? "Ben then flirts with a very tipsy Cheryl." How does he do this?

    Maybe a bit wordy for a two-pager.

    But really, not bad at all. :)

  • #3

    Michael Monkhouse (Saturday, 21 July 2012 11:00)

    Nice work! Could imagine a lot of laughs, especially for the slapsticky moments.

  • #4

    Craig (Monday, 23 July 2012 00:47)

    Only thought the last line was funny and this comes just after he has just killed two people. Found it hard to follow.

  • #5

    Nigel Sheppard (Monday, 23 July 2012 14:46)

    Amusing enough, but the closing line is the peach!

  • #6

    Anton (Tuesday, 24 July 2012 23:07)

    Thanks to everyone that takes the time to read my script and leave comments. Much appreciated. Keep them coming. Glad to hear some of you liked it.