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John (Monday, 23 July 2012 09:40)
This is really nice. Fewer direction words might help. Poor actor playing Dan might struggle to mop, hoover and sweep at the same time. Simply "desperately tidying up" could cover it. I also thought
you might have gone for more unique voices for the characters. The daughter sounded a bit adult when she first speaks. Mike's well done - embarrassing kid nicely drawn. I did find the title a bit
clunky too. A rewrite to tell the same lovely story might have got this one through the cut.
Ellie (Monday, 23 July 2012 15:05)
Thank you so much for reading it - and for your advice; I'll definitely take it into consideration next time I write something. And yeah, I'm never good with titles XD But thank you again for your
Craig (Tuesday, 24 July 2012 21:49)
Think about your dialogue, how people speak. Why'd she want flowers on your bed? Suzie's first line - Would be better if you were doing it. Why'd I have to cook your surprise?
Nigel Sheppard (Wednesday, 25 July 2012 16:49)
Good attempt Ellie, and nice chemistry between the characters.