Eternal by Mikey Jackson

In order to make their love eternal, she needs the strength to deliver that final kiss and say goodbye.
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Comments: 10
  • #1

    Jaye (Friday, 20 July 2012 17:14)

    A sweet tender script with a twist - I thought to myself "oh David's dead"... so sad, and I love the ending regarding scattering the ashes.

  • #2

    Steven JC Johnson (Friday, 20 July 2012 19:33)

    Nicely done. I enjoyed reading that.

  • #3

    Kit (Saturday, 21 July 2012 00:28)

    Felt the dialogue could have a bit more subtext in places. Also the sudden change in her mood and the big decision to scatter his ashes seems to come a bit out the blue.

  • #4

    Michael Monkhouse (Saturday, 21 July 2012 11:02)

    Moving and an interesting, creative twist on the theme.

  • #5

    Mitch (Sunday, 22 July 2012 14:03)

    Nicely written. I'm pretty sure the only thing against it is the story - a Valentine kiss to someone who turns out to be dead. I'm getting the impression this was the most popular type of entry, so it was probably a pass just for that. Otherwise, I can't see why this wouldn't have worked well in the film and been attractive to filmmakers.

  • #6

    fraser may (Sunday, 22 July 2012 19:18)

    nice stage directions, dialogue too "on the nose" for me. the lover that turns out dead is a worn out concept now, but it did make internal logical sense

  • #7

    Niki Wakefield (Sunday, 22 July 2012 21:45)

    Nice script. I guessed quite early on that he was dead - maybe you could deflect the audience with something else happening at the same time? Also, I found it a little over written in places and that distracted the read (e.g. how would the audience know she'd been to a salon?). But on the whole, good job.

  • #8

    Craig (Sunday, 22 July 2012 23:58)

    Story ended at the bottom of page 1 for me. as said above common story.

  • #9

    Steve Hunt (Monday, 23 July 2012 12:41)

    I liked it. Although I can see what other contributors are getting at saying the story ends at the end of page 1, but the way they're snapped out of their reverie is well done, IMHO. There are a number of entries along this kind of line (I was equally guilty!) and worn concept or not, its no less valid. Only thing I'd maybe change is the smalltalk on the phone, but then again, after this kind of life event, this is the type of thing that happens. Maybe the phone ringing could have come closer to the end of the plot rather than half way through?

  • #10

    Nigel Sheppard (Monday, 23 July 2012 17:34)

    Simple, sad, touching. Could do with some development but not much room for that in 2 pages. Good effort.