Crushed by J Mockridge

A boy is crushed when the babysitter turns up with her boyfriend in tow.
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Comments: 6
  • #1

    John (Monday, 23 July 2012 11:37)

    No kiss. What a shame. A really good use of two pages. I think I'd have preferred a sadistic kiss between girl and boyfriend to really live up to the title you've chosen.

  • #2

    Nigel Sheppard (Wednesday, 25 July 2012 18:23)

    Over two pages and no kiss? I don't think the judges had much choice with this one.

  • #3

    Craig (Friday, 27 July 2012 13:13)

    As said above, no kiss and too long.

  • #4

    J Mockridge (Friday, 27 July 2012 17:19)

    Apologies for those that have read and commente on this. I have uploaded the incorrect version. The correct version did have a kiss, and was within the two pages. I'll try and correct this.

  • #5

    J Mockridge (Monday, 30 July 2012 22:10)

    Correct version is now displayed.

  • #6

    Claire (Wednesday, 08 August 2012 18:15)

    Nice story but I feel it could be trimmed to fit in a bit more of the essential stuff. For example, looking at the plot points - the first important bit we see is Boy taking money from the piggy bank. Do we need all that description beforehand? Trim that extra stuff, and there would be room for dialogue between the Boy/Punk Babysitter. I don't think the boyfriend is actually needed. I'd prefer to keep the story with the kid and girl. Perhaps she could be so offended and shocked at first, but then gives in to peck him on the cheek or a polite put down.