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Nigel Sheppard (Wednesday, 25 July 2012 18:48)
Punctuation and grammar are lacking here, as is an adequate ending I'm afraid. Keep trying though!
Craig (Friday, 27 July 2012 13:05)
Look at punctuation and how people talk (BABYSITTER - Hi, Jasmine. Sorry, can't babysit tonight, Mum's in hospital. I'm going to visit.) 13 words to you 26. Also if you watch TV nobody says bye on
the phone? They just hang up. They always say you should write to make it sound real but not in this case it seems. If you take this out and look at the amount of words you may have room to put more
in at the end.
Not sure about your ending? Who hit him, Jasmine or the skinhead? If the skinhead, then why?
You probably lost the reader with you first line. You can't describe what someone is thinking.
Should have scene heading when we move to the pub the first time also.
Craig Beachell (Sunday, 29 July 2012 01:09)
Thanks for comments. It is the first script I have ever wrote, took me 20 mins to write and about 2 hours to try and cut it down to two pages. Its was Jasmine who head butted him and the skin head
was proud of why and what she had done. Just as I am writing this Meg Ryan in The Women says bye on the phone