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Paul Holbrook (Friday, 20 July 2012 16:21)
I think this one would have been very difficult to fit into the time scale, with all the WE SEE: shortcuts made in regards to getting this down to 2 pages.
In any potential rewrite, not for this particular comp, I would suggest those shortcuts would need to to be cut and actually get some detailed scene description there instead. In this instance that
would've made this one too long.
sallybrockway (Friday, 20 July 2012 16:40)
I hope you don't find this too brutal, but you lost me after about two sentences. With 1870 scripts on the pile, you've really got to hook the reader's attention and I decided very early on that I
wasn't really interested in Ben or what he had to say. What about a description of him? Less dialogue? Ben on the tube, crumpled, queasy and a little shame-faced? Ben clearly likes the sound of his
own voice and dare I say it, he's a bit boring. You need to give us a reason to want to listen to him.
Pete (Friday, 20 July 2012 23:47)
Yeah, like the other comments, I think there is just too much going on here. It looks like you cheated with the formatting and so there is no action to bring us in, and far too much dialogue. Huge
chunks of dialogue like that is a turn off for anyone, especially scriptreaders. I'd suggest another rewrite, and condense the dialogue. You need to strip it down to the very marrow with dialogue.
Craig (Saturday, 21 July 2012 22:04)
nobody outside London could make it. Remember what the competition is! would anybody in London go to the locations you say? They would make one of the other 49.
Mitch (Sunday, 22 July 2012 11:56)
I like the idea of a love letter to London and the final moment, but the main voice let's it down. He manages paradoxically to sound like he's both a) swallowed a dictionary and b) speaking ropey
It would also be tough to shoot, and probably be longer than 2 minutes.
Layla (Sunday, 22 July 2012 23:45)
Hi Juan, It's a good starting point for an idea. It's a monologue, fair enough, but I agree, for something on the screen it has to get the audience involved, which it still could do after some
rewriting. The main questions in your script, how, why, what is love, are questions I was thinking about when the question was posed for this competition. It gets the creative juices flowing trying
to come up with those answers and delivering some inspirational answers could create a great impact.
Any action is supposed to be written on a separate line away from the dialogue, I haven't used Final Draft but assume there must an action widget - or see any script guidelines on the net.
With the video that you use for his voice over, really consider what shots the audience is going to be seeing, so they work together powerfully to create a message.
What made you decide to set it in London - do you live here - with such a fantastic name I'm guessing you might not have lived here all your life, if so?
Juan Jo (Tuesday, 24 July 2012 21:27)
Thanks to everyone. I didn't want to cheat if it seemed so; I find a script that resembled the format: Scott Pilgrim. Actually, I lived in Brighton for a year and kind of experienced this when I was
thinking about a girl. The action would come with the images and the photo collages but probably I envisioned different as I described it in the script. I'll try to improve it with actions and
couples evolution, maybe less dialogue. I little more (or a lot haha) catching. Really thanks for the feedback. About the dictionary stuff, yeah true, I tend to write like that in Spanish as well.
Though, I thought when you think about love it all transforms into beauty. Well, thanks, I you are lucky you'll see the improved one haha.
Nigel Sheppard (Wednesday, 25 July 2012 07:59)
Very difficult to follow if I'm honest, and I myself as both a writer and a filmmaker could not possibly make this work, which is what I'd be looking for as a basic requirement.
Juan Jo (Wednesday, 25 July 2012 19:29)
Why is it difficult to read in the end? due to the language?