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Ian (Thursday, 26 July 2012 19:55)
Your script is interesting because it's similar to mine in location.
Unfortunately, you're dialogue really fell flat for me. The characters say exactly what's on there minds and it was difficult to read past the first page. It's very on the nose dialogue.
On the first page, I think there should be more of a build up when Jenny breaks up with him. Maybe he proposes and everything is romantic, she's speechless...and THEN she says "I've met someone
else." That would raise the stakes a bit. I don't even think you need "I'm breaking up with you".
Also, characters wouldn't say there names to each other. For example, when he says "Jenny, as you know we've been together now for five years." You don't even need him to say her name. People in real
life wouldn't do that. Also, this line is pure exposition. If the guy's proposing and has balloons and everything, we know they've been together for a while. Knowing that it's five years isn't
If you wanted to rewrite this, I would go back and get rid of the exposition and rewrite your dialogue so they aren't speaking everything that's on their mind. You can use actions to suggest how they
are feeling to replace them.
As for the location, maybe he could be proposing someplace a little more creative? Like maybe where they first met or some place that has meaning to them? I don't know. Just something I thought