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Márcia Mateus (Wednesday, 25 July 2012 13:22)
Hahaha. I liked the end. When everything made us guess that she would say something nice, she came up with a "no". Nice!
There are some points that you could consider:
- Emotionally things moved too fast. First we found Brad completely miserable, trying to kill himself. And all of a sudden when his plan fails, appears a dog and " Inspired by the dog’s words Brad
now has a new found confidence ". I understand the idea but I'm not sure if the dog is the right link.
- Before introducing JENNARA, you could use a new Scene Heading. You only use "later", when I suppose that Brad waited for JENNARA and she finally came up.
Best of luck,
Mark Harvey (Thursday, 26 July 2012 00:27)
I think more films need an Inspirational Magic Dog! lol
Olena Jatsyshyn (Thursday, 26 July 2012 02:04)
I didn't understand the dog, though...
Milethia (Sunday, 29 July 2012 14:12)
I think with some redrafting, and consideration of the dog's role more, you'll have something to work with. Ending is funny.
Don't number scenes - only happens in shooting scripts. Also, scene headings should be laid out like this.
INT. BRAD'S APARTMENT - DAY
'trying to recapture the feeling he had then and wondering how things came to this.'
Lines like this belong to novel/short story writing. The audience won't see this. You should only write what an audience will see.
'A dog we have never seen before then walks up to him and tries to comfort him.'
Try not to use 'we' in your writing. Also, you have a tendency to overwrite. You don't need to write 'A dog we have never seen before.' Simplify it. 'A dog appears. It walks up to him, whining
'Inspired by the dog’s words Brad now has a new found confidence. He decides he is going to win his ex girlfriend back.'
You don't need to write 'He decides he is going to win his ex girlfriend back.'
This will be shown in the next scene.
I'm afraid that the dog does seem out of place. Unless Brad had a knock to the head and we've entered a fantasy world... I think it's enough that the rope breaks.
Remember...at the start of the screenplay you write FADE IN and FADE OUT at the end.
All the best.
Makoto ^^ (Sunday, 29 July 2012 15:22)
Thanks for all your comments and suggestions. I appreciate your feedback and it can only make my scripts and my writing better
Take a look at my other script if you haven't already
Good luck to everyone involved ^u^
Scott Murphy (Monday, 30 July 2012 14:32)
The script has a few problems but overall I think it worked. There is a sweetness to it and a lot of comedy also. Overlooking the magic dog, it feels very much based in reality.
Andri (Tuesday, 31 July 2012 18:11)
Keep the good work buddy!! ^-^