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Milethia (Saturday, 28 July 2012 10:11)
I liked the twist at the end. Thought he was going home to his wife, but it turned out to be his gran. Sweet idea.
A few things I picked up on.
'Rab had a busy night, playing at a private function in the
far east. Now he’s flown back to London for a Hyde Park
reunion concert with his old band. They settle in backstage.'
Viewers will not see any of the above. You haven't shown a busy night; haven't shown him at a privatge function, etc.
Also, the backstage bit should be a scene heading.
You don't always define your scene headings. For example, at the end, when he's outside his gran's house, you write
EXT. EAST END LONDON - DAY
when it should be something like -
EXT. GRAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
All the best.
J Suriano (Saturday, 28 July 2012 11:19)
Thanks for taking the time to read and the kind feedback. Reason I left out the scenes of the busy night/concert was mainly to make it easier to film and to fit in two pages, but appreciate the
comments/structural points. Thanks again
Milethia (Saturday, 28 July 2012 13:37)
Hi. Just to clarify... I didn't mean that you should put those scenes in, just that they are redundant in screenplay writing terms. As you rightly say, they would be difficult to include in a two
minute, low budget piece. All the best with this and other writing.