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David Sartof (Wednesday, 25 July 2012 13:01)
Daniel, I really enjoyed the supernatural feel of this story. I think you let yourself down with a collection of small errors... FADE IN/FADE OUT for one. It really is important to follow format
conventions - a reader will look for any excuse to put a script aside. Also, don't overuse exclamation marks. While it is common enough in text speak these days, it can be taken as a sign of laziness
- we have plenty of words of exclamation. Also a glaring error in the penultimate para "A girl [with? in?] a dress is lying unconscious in the road." At this point I felt your ending was a little
rushed and unfinished; the error simply compounded that feeling. It is errors like that that make readers think "why should I put this through if he hasn't checked his work properly". I hope these
comments help. As I said, I did enjoy the story and think it could be further developed. Onwards and upwards! :)
Milethia (Wednesday, 01 August 2012 13:43)
Some of what I would say, David has said above - so I won't repeat, other than this was an original approach to the valentine's theme - liked the doggy kiss. What I would say is that I imagined the
ending differently, in this, on first appearances, supernatural story. Really, in my eyes, the girl should be dead; that it was her 'spirit' if you like asking Jack to help to find the dog. Or...she
seems dead - Jack might check her breathing, assume she is dead, gives her the kiss of life and then brings her back.
All the best with your writing.