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Vandana (Monday, 30 July 2012 18:43)
Touching. Makes me want to know what happens next. How Sofia tides through this dark phase? Written in a very gripping style. I did find two places where the dialogues were a bit overbearing. One
when Sofia explains why she is carrying everything and the other is the time aunt talks.
Milethia (Monday, 30 July 2012 22:43)
This piece is quite tragic. As I was reading it, I imagined it with less dialogue, as it currently feels dialogue heavy, and a lot of what you write could be done so visually. For another draft I
would try stripping back your dialogue.
Perhaps experiment with having the sequence with Mirabelle and her father dialogue free.
INT. SOFIA'S HOME - DAY
There are 3 Valentine's cards on display, mixed in with
condolence cards. The Valentine's cards are from Sofia's
parents to each other, with one from her to them.
MIRABELLE, Sofia's aunt, examines these 3 cards as she
speaks. Sofia's mother, ANNA, sits in a wheelchair.
In the section above you need to show the cards. By that I mean, at present, you say there are cards from such a person to another. Make this more visual. What are the words in the card? Mirabelle
could peer at one; we see the words she reads, as she speaks; or she opens one so we see the words. This will show the love Mirabelle's parents had for each other.
A minor thing, but don't forget FADE IN at the beginning, and FADE OUT at the end.
All the best with your writing.