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Milethia (Wednesday, 25 July 2012 16:55)
Nice, believable interaction between the couple - I like the waiter's silent involvement.
Perhaps, at the beginning, show something of Sami's annoyance through the way she finishes off her pudding, or something - in the first sentence when you introduce them. At present, when you
introduce them, there's no indication visually of what they're doing.
Remember 'FADE IN' and 'FADE OUT' at the end.
'John notices and looks flushed.' A minor thing, but if you reword slightly - e.g. John notices and flushes.
Page 2 - 'credit machine' should this be 'credit card machine'?
'For Chriss' sake' - should this be 'Christ's sake'
Remember to only capitalise characters' names once, when you first introduce them.
All the best with this.