The Nearness of You by Sam Heydon Draft 2
Writers reaction to our notes (published with writer consent)
Thanks for the suggestions - we really are seeing this from different perspectives aren't we?!!
I wanted to do as much as possible in a short film i.e. find an interesting setting, quickly establish a couple of characters who we take an interest in and put a little twist in at the end.
I like the setting, it's atmospheric and the use of dialogue from the era gives it some charm. I feel it won't be that much of a problem with the co-operation of a WW2 re-enactment group.
How do we engage an audience in the 21st Century when so many stories have been told and we're easily able to guess the "surprise" endings? You have to make them feel sure that they know what's going on and then reveal what's actually been happening through one telling event. (e.g. "The Sixth Sense," "The Others," "The Conversation.")
We know there's going to be a kiss and there is still a big emotional kiss at the end along with a fun one; they're just not the kisses that the audience expect. If I mention the airman at an earlier stage there's no surprise! What you see as longing between the 2 women is revealed to be a creation of the modern audience's sensibilities once the airman turns up, that's the point.
I've made a few changes to clarify my intentions. I hope this works for you and any potential film makers.
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
The Nearness of You by Sam Heydon Draft 1
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. All the 50 Kisses team who read this script read it as a forbidden love story set against the backdrop of the second world war – the script was put through on this basis but we felt the ending
needed developed. Our original notes were going to be that it ended to easily with your character going with a guy and that the longing you created between the two female characters had to be
demonstrated as one of them conformed to what was expected. Our other note on this basis was could this situation happen in a modern environment? Religious group? School dance? That would
seriously cut the production cost of a WWII piece which we felt would put some filmmakers off.
2. We have read your interaction with others on the message board and it seems that film was actually about a woman waiting for her fiancé to come back from a mission. If this is what you intended, then you need to set it up better at the beginning and show how upset the woman is about her pilot not being back yet. We would also suggest that you need to strip out the longing between the two women that we felt was woven through and show the support the friend is giving.
3. We felt that our reading of the story was stronger but the choice is yours as to how you develop it. It is certainly an interesting example of what the writer intends for a script, versus what the reader takes from it.
Have your say, what do you think?