Boxes by Rhys Howell Draft 2

Boxes (Attic Draft).pdf
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Boxes ( Latest Draft-Warehouse Version).
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Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!

Comments: 1
  • #1

    Rhys Howell (Wednesday, 29 August 2012 14:55)

    Some new drafts up, please feel free to make any of them.

Boxes by Rhys Howell Draft 1

A man talking to the voice of his dead wife is about the join her.
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Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author

1. You need to clarify this location – why would a 75 year old be in a dark warehouse looking at boxes of his old stuff unless it is a self storage depot, in which case a) state that it is b) they tend to be very well lit. Is this the best location for the story? If it is a dark warehouse that he works in then would he be 75? Either way could a lo-to-no budget filmmaker get access to it? How about setting it in an attic? Or a house?

2. Consider changing the ages of the male and female or changing the nature of the kiss – at the moment you have a 75 year old and 36 year old kissing passionately. This is unlikely to be cast properly and might look strange.

3. How can you strengthen the ending? Would an 18 year old be working beside a 75 year old? Does he need to be found? What is a better emotional high point that the story can end on?

Have your say, what do you think?

Comments: 14 (Discussion closed)
  • #1

    Damian Mallon (Saturday, 04 August 2012 04:38)

    The depth of your descriptions really helps to sell the tone and feel of the piece. I think this is both clever and emotional, well done.
    Also, thanks for: 'Masses of paper red hearts suggest Cupid helped with the decor.'

  • #2

    Phil Charles (Saturday, 04 August 2012)

    Loved this. Really quirky short. I especially like the beautifully bittersweet ending, (SPOILER ALERT!) tragic that Stan’s dead but warmed by knowing he’s now where he should be, back by his wife’s side. Great writing style. I love cheeky, feisty Cath, trying to embarrassing hubby with her suggestive talk. Not just a bog standard ghost, a very real person. The only few things I’d suggest is could Stan have some sort of makeshift desk in there where the photo takes pride of place in a frame. Always find people actually holding and then putting away photos a tad forced. And I really don’t think you need Stan’s ‘…you died’ dialogue. We’d get it without it. And just to make sure the director gets your vision right make it clear if it’s a man(woman!)-sized box or if Cath ‘magically’ squeezes out of a smaller box. Really look forward to seeing it on screen. Huge congrats.

  • #3

    Stephen Cooper (Sunday, 05 August 2012 19:36)

    Like the idea of the script and feel it flows well. The only real suggestion I would have is making the box itself more significant. Whether its in the photo at the beginning or just linked in some way. It's the main prop and the title so just needs more of a link to the overal story. All in all it's a really great idea with a clever end. Very good.

  • #4

    Andrew (Sunday, 05 August 2012 21:33)

    Good entertaining script

  • #5

    Ian Doig (Monday, 06 August 2012 07:38)

    Great script

  • #6

    Jo (Monday, 06 August 2012 15:49)

    Very moving, Rhys. I agree - you can lose the "you died". Let it hang unspoken and let the audience do a bit of subtext work. :)

  • #7

    Rhys Howell (Monday, 06 August 2012 18:35)

    Thanks everyone for your feedback, glad my script is being enjoyed. Now onto the feedback.

    Phil-Cheers for the feedback. What if rather than him putting it away in his pocket, the coughing fit hits him whilst he's looking at the picture and he drops it, and then stumbles into the shelving?

    I originally saw the box as Washing Machine size, but I quite like both that visual and the "magic box" visual, and it'd be interesting to see how different filmmakers approach it. I may take out the ambiguity on the next pass though.

    And I agree I could get rid of "you died" bit. Shall try it out that way.

    Stephen-Thanks for your suggestion. I'll give some thought to if I can make the box more prominent without showing my hand too early.

    Cheers Jo for the feedback and the "you died" back up. Its a strong suggestion.

  • #8

    John (Monday, 06 August 2012 23:36)

    All that expositional dialogue!

  • #9

    Rhys Howell (Monday, 06 August 2012 23:53)

    Thanks for the feedback John, do you mean the top of page 2? Any suggestions?

  • #10

    Sheila McGill (Wednesday, 08 August 2012 12:14)

    Best I've read so far (sooo many excellent shorts) - Boxes has a wonderful atmosphere you have packed so much into 2 pages - I liked the 'you died' bit as it suggested to me that a part of their (alive) relationship had a fun side so for me I would keep this in also, I assumed that the box was an appropriate size I think because she 'emergesd like a siren' loved this, but for me the size was immaterial to the idea that she had been there 'most of the time' suggesting she was watching over him, how lovely; I am looking forward to seeing this filmed (and from Sheffield too!)

  • #11

    Ruth Holt (Friday, 10 August 2012 13:40)

    Well done. Enjoyed reading this script. Good descriptive language.

  • #12

    Liam J. Holland (Wednesday, 15 August 2012 17:31)

    I love this script, definitely my favorite so far and most likely the one I'm going to shoot. I don't have any feedback, I think it's great the way it is. Good job!

  • #13

    Rhys Howell (Wednesday, 15 August 2012 23:40)

    Thanks Sheila, Ruth and Liam. Pleased this is getting such positive feedback.

  • #14

    Rhys Howell (Thursday, 16 August 2012 23:13)

    Also if you do go for my script Liam, feel free to drop me a line on twitter @ghop56 if you want to discuss/tweak it. Same goes to anyone out there who'd like to make it.