Beryl by Sarah Page Draft 2
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
Beryl by Sarah Page Draft 1
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. We liked the concept of this story - an old lady behaving badly to get a kiss from a gullible young orderly. However, you seem to rush to get to the punchline and we'd suggest you go back and look at how you have set up of this story.
2. In particular, where does Joe fit into the story? You suggest he has worked there for sometime - if this was the case then he'd know what teasers Sue and Beryl are. Perhaps by making him new, or having him as a trainee would set Joe - and the scenario - up better
3. Sue seems to pre-empt Beryl's memory loss and thus the story itself by awakening and not knowing where she is. How can you use this section and Sue herself to further set up or add to the story? Don't be afraid to misdirect the audience. They shouldn't see what is coming.
4. Sharpen the dialogue. In some places it is a little exposition heavy. How can you make it crisper? How can Beryl reel Joe into her tease further? How uncomfortable can you make Joe?
Have your say, what do you think?