Advice by Ross Aitken Draft 2
Draft Two Comments... have YOUR say!
Advice by Ross Aitken Draft 1
Draft One Producers Development Notes for the author
1. We thought this was good comedy script but you need to inject it with more gags.You need to milk the comedy potential of this scenario. We want people coming out of the cinema, quoting your lines back to you.
2. The lines should be crisper, smoother and geniunely something that could work for a handsome, confident guy. The gag here is it is not working for the character because it is coming across as inauthentic. He is trying on different roles and only when he tries on "himself" does it work.
3. Consider changing the polar bear gag to something crisper and funnier - it takes up quite a bit of space on the page and the pace of this film is a little slowed by it. Change the arse, tit grabbing to a series of quick fire lines with different - equally bad for your character - endings, e.g. a slap, a drink in the face, a handbag over the head etc.
Have your say, what do you think?